For the past 3.5 months I have found myself unemployed for the first time since I was 16 years old. The experience has been revealing to say the least. Now, I quit my prior position by choice. Albeit, one of the most difficult ones I have made in years. Much like a relationship, my job defined who I was. When I became unhappy with my work, I began to loathe the person I was becoming. I knew making such a move would ruffle some feathers and would be questioned by most of my peers. I still felt it was the right move for me.  It takes moxie to stick up for yourself when you are in a situation that seems so dire. So there I stood, in yet another meeting about restructuring and I just blurted the words out. I said, “I have given things a lot of thought and I have decided it is time for me to move on.” My supervisor’s jaw dropped. He begged me to stay.

Then we had meetings. More and more meetings discussing what it was that caused me to arrive at this conclusion. I answered with as much political correctness that would save my future recommendation letters. No matter what I said, they disagreed.  I recall sitting in those meetings feeling more and more confident about my decision to leave. The logic process in the culture of that organization was simply not in line with the way I think. It was an inherent disconnect.The three weeks notice passed at a snail’s pace. Regardless, on that last day I felt a weight lifted off my shoulders. The next day was a blur as it all began to sink in and I became occupied with daily life tasks and the search for something else.

Fast forward to today, I am still unemployed. OH MY GOD. How did this happen to me? I was certain it would take a month or two and I would be back on my feet. I would show everyone how easy it is to find a job. The economy is improving, right? Nope. Everyday I sit on my sofa and dissect my resume. I cannot believe this is so difficult. Granted, I can take a job to take a job, but I want to like it or at least see it as an adequate stepping stone. The last thing I want to feel is as miserable as I did in my previous position. So here I sit, spilling my heart onto an open blog. The most frustrating thing about this whole ordeal is when your well meaning friends ask you how the search for something is going. I feel like a failure and a disappointment especially since they all believe so strongly in me. I appreciate the support, don’t get me wrong. I am just a people pleaser, especially my friends and family. So when I cannot give them any positive updates I feel like I am not giving them enough reason to continue to believe in me. Now this is all on me, I certainly am aware.

What else is the worst about being unemployed? When a total stranger asks you, “what do you do?” I immediately feel like a loser. Thoughts of being perceived as an unproductive member of society fill my brain and I uncomfortably laugh and say, “I am in transition.” The follow up questions and comments are always so vaguely disenchanting. Help is always offered. I hate that. I dread that. Probably to my own disadvantage, I am the type of person to try to figure everything on my own. I also hate to confuse personal and professional relationships.

My point to all of this is that sometimes the person we need to be empathetic to is ourselves. Even when you are in a low place, it is important to cut yourself some slack. It is also important to remember that when we think other’s are judging us, it is likely in part to the judgements we pass on ourselves. This is incredibly difficult for me. I think, I am educated, experienced etc. why is this so difficult? Regardless of all my internal tumult, I am so incredibly grateful for the support of my family and my friends and I know this awkward phase of life will also pass.

XoXo,
Suruchi

Image source: http://www.deviantart.com/art/Young-and-unemployed-Animated-363607486