Written by contributing blogger, Daniela Forte.
Raise your hand if you’ve ever placed self-blame when someone has hurt you… (raises hand high!). I have become a pro at this, I lie awake at night thinking, “Shit, I must have done such a terrible thing for that person to have done or said that…” or worse, “What did I do to them, for them to have done that?” That’s where I’m at.
It doesn’t matter what people tell you or what you know to actually be true, if you’re in this self-blame game, you’re playing it until you feel absolutely depleted, exhausted, sad and terribly angry – but here is the joke… you won’t win.
So why do we do it? Well, it’s easier. It’s easier to blame ourselves for other people’s indiscretions than to actually look at the situation for what it is and place ownership where it belongs.
It’s also true that sometimes the people that hurt us are people we love and care for the most in this world, so knocking them off that pedestal is difficult. We don’t want to blame them, because then we come to the realization that maybe these aren’t great people to have in our lives or maybe we start to love and care for them less.
I’ve always been someone who needs to figure things out and figure them out and figure them out. I drive myself absolutely crazy needing to know why things ended up as they did. I need answers, ( maybe this is why I am journalist by trade… we always need the full story). But what if there aren’t any answers? What if it’s not time for those answers to be given, now what?
So here is what I’ve been told that I hope will help you as it is helping me:
Let Go: Yep. Letting go isn’t easy and it certainly isn’t fun. But letting go is sometimes a must to move forward with your life. We never get the answers we want when we want them, it’s usually when we don’t need them anymore that they are provided to us.
Forgive Yourself: Here is where I am struggling. I am not sure how to do that. I am in a place of a lot of hurt right now for past decisions I made and didn’t make, that I am not sure how to even do this. Oh, and I’m being told I need to forgive others too. Yep. But in all honesty, cut yourself some slack, whatever decisions you made past or present that you aren’t happy with, are all part of your growth and you know better for next time.
Worry About Yourself: Focus on you, what you need to accomplish, what you want to do and what makes you happy. Focus on you. You can’t change what happened no matter how hard you try, no matter how many nights you lie awake overanalyzing every little detail. You just need to focus on you, because whoever has hurt you has gone on with their lives with little to no care in the world about how you’re feeling, so why should you?
Take It One Day at a Time: No one is telling me this, I just made that decision myself in the New Year. Focus on 24 hours, not 48 not seven days, just 24 hours. Of course, if there are goals you want to accomplish this year that are beneficial to your well-being by all means, go get them, but when it comes to handling life just take it one day at a time. You can’t plan for the future, there are no guarantees, we have no idea what will happen from here until tomorrow.
Be Grateful: Each day I am making a conscious effort to be grateful for everything, it doesn’t matter how small. I have restarted my happiness jar for 2018, where I write down one thing good that happened each day. Find the good when you are in the dark and I promise it will lead you into the light.
Have Faith: I can hear my mother here. I am lacking a lot of faith in humanity right now. But I keep being told to have faith that good is on its away. So, let’s see what happens.
Take on a Spiritual Practice: Meditate, do yoga, knit, … do something that will make you feel better. Keep it up on a daily basis. Just be kinder to yourself.
Do One Nice Thing for Yourself Each Day: It can be as small as a cup of delicious coffee or getting a manicure or putting on your favorite outfit. Find ways to treat yourself with kindness.
image source – pixabay